Canadians need no introduction to the man they call "Grapes". For international readers, a quick primer: Cherry hosts a segment called Coach's Corner on the weekly Hockey Night in Canada show on our public broadcaster, the CBC. He's loud and outlandish, loves on-ice thuggery and despite being a dinosaur in most senses of the word, he has an alarming level of influence on the country's sports media and overall culture. Proof: He finished seventh in the CBC's list of greatest Canadians, one spot ahead of John A. Macdonald, the first prime minister of the freakin' country.
Yes, we apparently think our Jim Rome is "greater" than our George Washington.
But however flawed and anachronistic his message about "the Canadian way" may be, one thing's for sure: He is a vocal, unabashed and unwavering cheerleader for our national hockey teams. No one uses their soapbox to promote Team Canada more frequently and forcefully than Cherry -- whether you think his influence is for good or for bad, you must admit, he definitely keeps the national program in the public discussion.
So maybe that's what Canadian soccer needs to finally break into the mainstream -- someone who'll unapologetically promote our national teams at every opportunity. Yes, Canadian soccer needs its own Don Cherry (well, minus the ill-advised politicking). And I've got some suggestions as to who might fit the bill.
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Jason de Vos: He had a decorated professional and national team career. He was a vital part of a championship-winning squad. He takes a thoughtful, intelligent approach to his commentary on the game. He's been entrusted with the task of teaching a youthful generation of players about the modern game. He dresses like a normal human being. And as a kid, he had the option of pursuing hockey as an athletic career, but turned it down.
So, in pretty much every way possible, he's the anti-Cherry. That's definitely worth something, I think.
Proposed segment names: De Vos Whips It, Tractor Traction, Captain's Corner
Craig Forrest: He's got plenty of broadcasting experience, and definitely isn't afraid to speak his mind -- especially when something irks him. His Canadian credentials are bulletproof (we wouldn't have won the 2000 Gold Cup without him... well, and a fortuitous coin flip), and he's never reluctant to harken back to his own personal "good old days" (which apparently riles some people up).
Plus he's got his own ready-made Ron McLean in Gerry Dobson.
Proposed segment names: Forrest For The Trees, Craig's Hammer Time, Keeper's Corner
Bob Lenarduzzi: The Duz is to Canadian soccer what Cherry pretends he is to Canadian hockey: a successful player (300+ pro games to Cherry's one), a successful coach (four championships and almost World Cup qualification to Cherry's two NHL finals appearances) and a successful cultivator of young talent (the Whitecaps Academy versus... I dunno, the Rock 'em Sock 'em series?)
He's no stranger to the media, and speaking his mind therein, and certainly wouldn't be expected to shy away from controversy (see: current brouhaha involving the Southsiders).
Also, he has lots of experience dealing with fans and their questions...
Proposed segment names: Hobknobbin' with Bob, Duz Or Lose, The Van Man Sayeth
Joey Saputo: You want brash, brazen and unhampered by worries about the consequences of his commentary? Well then, look no further than the owner of the Montreal Impact. Given the upcoming changes to the club's academy, and the team's avowed commitment to support local talent, Saputo's got solid credentials in the Canadian footie sphere as well. Plus, Saputo wouldn't need a Ron McLean-type sidekick making horrible puns... he's already got enough cheese as it is.
Yeah, I went there.
Proposed segment names: Saputoh-no-you-didn't, Making An Impact, Fromage (co-hosted by Ed The Sock)
Carolina Morace: Considering Cherry's well-worn xenophobia, picking a European import to be his footie counterpart would be a delicious bit of irony. Morace's got the coaching credentials down, of course (before our women's national team, she helmed the Italian national team and became the first woman to manage a professional men's side).
Also, like Grapes, her grasp of the English language is sometimes tenuous at best (though, as a non-native speaker, she comes by it honestly), and she's perfectly happy to make her opinion known, with passion and conviction, regardless of whether the content of her message is fully intelligible to those receiving it.
Proposed segment names: Carolina's Corner, More Morace, The Rallyin' Italian Show
Rohan Ricketts: Sure, he's not Canadian, and probably doesn't know much about our national teams. But he clearly still has a soft spot for Toronto after his tenure at TFC, and if you want a "talker" who's completely unashamed of self-promotion and appears not to have much of a filter (that is, a footie version of Don Cherry), you'd be hard-pressed to find a better candidate than Ricketts.
Ben Knight: Yes, I'm speaking of the most decorated member of the Canadian Soccer News team, who'll never shy away from expressing his opinion on matters of Canadian soccer in any media format available. He's got the knowledge, the passion and the ability to stir the pot... and, like Cherry, he's got his share of esoteric obsessions (ask him how Port Vale is doing, next chance you get).
But above all, he's got the wardrobe. If there's anyone in Canadian soccer who can come close to matching Cherry's penchant for the offbeat and eyebrow-raising, it's certainly Ben. If you're a long-time follower of It's Called Football, you know Ben's tickle trunk is nearly as well-stocked as Mr. Dressup's.
Though, in Ben's defence, he doesn't hold the top spot on the list of most dubious sartorial decisions in ICF history. At least he never wore a dress.
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Those are the picks I came up with. Have you got a favourite? Or do you have a better suggestion? That's what ye olde comment section is for. I just ask, as