Much like the shadowy cabal of bankers, oil executives and lizard people that secretly run every facet of modern society, the operators of Toronto FC have benefited greatly from dissension among the rank and file. Indeed, evaluation of TFC's on-field talent and off-field management has become so redundant by this point that followers of the team routinely turn, instead, to evaluating one another's bona fides as a fan.
The trouble, of course, is that while on-field talent can be objectively measured by wins (imagine a game where Toronto has more goals than the opponent, and then the final whistle blows at the 75-minute mark), there's no standard manner in which to judge just how good of a Toronto FC fan someone is.
Until now!
That's right, folks. We've compiled a definitive list of questions that, once completed, will tell you exactly where you fall on the totally-legit-and-not-just-arbitrary-we-swear hierarchy of TFC fandom! C'mon, take a minute to provide your answers! What else are you gonna do, re-watch "highlights" from season six?
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Just answer each of these questions to the best of your ability. There's a key to decoding your answers at the bottom -- but don't peek yet! Figure out your answers to the questions first.
1. Where do you typically watch a Toronto FC game?
a) at the stadium, if they're at home
at the stadium, wherever they are, because where they go I follow, I follow, I follow...
c) at a bar with like-minded people
d) at home, with un-like-minded people
e) depends... is there a Jays game on?
2. Are you a season seat holder?
a) yes, since day one!
something other than a)
If answer is a), please answer the following questions as well; if not, skip to 3.
2a. Where are your seats located?
a) south end, baby -- where the real fans sit!
north-west corner, baby -- where the real real fans sit!... unless there's a walkout
c) I forget, I usually just sneak into the wheelchair-accessible seating and steal food from the press box
d) beer garden
e) wherever they serve the prawn sandwiches
2b. Will you be renewing your seats for next season?
a) of course! Toronto till I die!
probably! Toronto till I die, or until I run out of disposable income!
c) maybe -- if someone can find me a cheaper way to buy baby food and diapers
d) hell no! I've gotta vote with my wallet and show the team things aren't acceptable!
e) hell no!... because the company I work for isn't bothering 
3. Say there is a game at BMO Field tonight at 7:30 p.m. What time will you show up at the stadium?
a) 7:00 p.m.
7:29 p.m.
c) 7:30 p.m.
d) 7:55 p.m.
e) What, tonight? Ah hell, tonight's poker night. Craigslist, here I come.
4. You are attending a Toronto FC game. The game is tied 1-1 at the 75th minute. What are you most likely to do?
a) same thing I do all game, Pinky -- try and tear the house down with noise!
be rejected while attempting to buy a large beer at the concession stand
c) witness Toronto concede a goal on a broken play/defensive breakdown
d) leave to beat the traffic
e) turn to the person next to me to complain about those "idiots" leaving at the 75th minute, then leave at the 85th minute (I mean, c'mon, traffic!!!)
5. How many articles of TFC merchandise do you own?
a) does a heart count as merchandise? 'cause if so, I've got the most important one... <3
no bodily organs, but 15+
c) 5-15
d) 5 or fewer
e) does the scarf I got in Kensington that says "Torotno CF" count?
Now on to the team itself, and your knowledge thereof.
6. Who is the best midfielder Toronto FC has ever had?
a) Amado Guevara
Dwayne DeRosario
c) Torsten Frings
d) Dan Gargan
7. Who is the best defender that has ever suited up for Toronto FC?
a) Rick Titus
(no other answers available)
8. What is your opinion of Julian de Guzman's stint with Toronto FC?
a) listen, those morons who don't like him will say otherwise, but here's the truth... he was a beast in La Liga, he got signed here to a big contract that put unrealistic expectations on him, and then he couldn't play his game because he was surrounded by a revolving door of mediocre teammates and managers... but he's still good for the national team, so that's something
listen, those morons who defend him will say otherwise, but here's the truth... he got a payday that dwarfed that of his teammates and couldn't live up to the hype, he was lazy and complacent and couldn't complete a short pass to save his life, not to mention the yellow cards, and it's his fault we lost DeRo!... but he's still good for the national team, so that's something
(no other answers available)
9. What is your opinion of Dwayne DeRosario's stint with Toronto FC?
a) he got screwed by the club
he got screwed by his teammates
c) he screwed the club and his teammates
d) his teammates screwed the club
e) Bret screwed Bret
10. Which of these players has never been part of Toronto FC's roster?
a) Joseph Nane
Nane Joseph
c) "Ibby" Ibrahim
d) Abbe Ibrahim
11. Which of these people has never been manager of Toronto FC during its six (6) seasons of play?
a) Mo Johnston
John Carver
c) Chris Cummins
d) Preki
e) Nick Dasovic
f) Aron Winter
g) Paul Mariner
h) Guus Hiddink... yet
12. On that note, what is your opinion of Paul Mariner as it relates to the 2013 season?
a) give the man time! Toronto's had too much turnover as it is, and needs to settle things down! Whatever Mariner's failings, nothing can be gained by changing the manager and the philosophy yet again!
MARINER IS THE DEVIL, DON'T SAY OTHERWISE YOU MLSE PUPPET, FIRE HIM NOW
(no other answers available)
13. What, in your opinion, has been the biggest Achilles' heel for TFC in its six years of existence!
a) nothing! TFC is a beautiful, unspoiled snowflake, which I will love forever!
constant roster and managerial turnover has made it impossible for the team to create any sort of cohesion, which is usually vital to a team's success
c) world-class centrebacks! we need world-class centrebacks! five of them, preferably
d) BMO Field had artificial turf for a while, and that's thrown everything off forever
e) Mo Johnston! don't tell me he hasn't worked for the team for years, I know what I'm talking about
14. When I say the name "Gabe Gala", what comes to your mind?
a) the thing that's supposed to
who's Gabe Gala?
15. What is your opinion of the Toronto FC Academy?
a) it's good to see the club investing in the team's future, and the future of the local game
it's a nice idea and all, but they should spend the money elsewhere, like on reducing beer prices
c) it's good, I guess -- but hey, what happened to all those kids who graduated?
d) umm, is that, like, a classroom where they learn about soccer history and stuff?
16. If you could have any of the following, which would it be?
a) Toronto FC winning the MLS Cup
Toronto FC winning the CONCACAF Champions League
c) a time machine to go back to 2007 and make some different decisions
17. In your opinion, what team is Toronto FC's greatest rival?
a) Columbus Crew
Montreal Impact
c) Vancouver Whitecaps
d) Toronto FC
18. Who ate all the pies?
a) Ali Gerba
Collin Samuel
c) Danny Koevermans
d) Andrea Lombardo
19. Would a system of promotion/relegation be a good thing for Major League Soccer -- and, in particular, Toronto FC?
a) doesn't matter, I'm with the team even if/when they play in the Lamport Stadium parking lot
probably a good thing -- it'd give real meaning to those last two months of the season when the team's already out of playoff contention
c) a bad thing! Toronto sports fans don't bother attending sporting events unless they're perceived to be at the highest level of competition (see: Marlies, Argonauts, Maple Leafs baseball, etc.)
d) what's promotion/relegation?
20. What is the greatest moment in Toronto FC history to this point?
a) Danny Dichio's goal in the 24th minute
swearing at strangers / getting hit with a Taser / urinating on a church in Columbus
c) the "Miracle in Montreal"
d) the rain delay prior to the season finale against New York in 2009
e) throwing a beer can at David Beckham at Rogers Centre... herp derp yeah!
RESULTS
So, hopefully you've been keeping track of your answers. If not, go back and record all of your a), , c), d) and e) answers in separate columns on a piece of paper. Now, take that piece of paper, crumple it up and throw it away. This is Toronto FC, after all... results don't mean a thing!
Whatever your answers to this stupid quiz, the fact that you saw it through to the end means that, in some way, you care about the team (or you hate the team, and like this quiz because it mocks them).
But if you do care about Toronto FC, then just go about following and supporting the team in whatever way makes you feel comfortable, and let everyone else do the same. That's a test that everyone is capable of passing, if they put in the effort.