Following the surprising and likely unprecedented move by Turkey's football association to ban men from attending the games of troublesome teams, Toronto FC has made a similarly shocking proposal of its own.
"Fly them in, set them up at a hotel somewhere and let 'em loose at BMO," says an internal email by a TFC team official, obtained and/or fabricated by The Reserve Squad. "Maybe that's what those North Patch Sector guys need -- a good kick in the ass."
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The message went on to suggest that, as Toronto FC limps towards another unremarkable season without a whiff of the league playoffs, the once-overwhelming fan interest has sputtered.
"What, 10,000 against Tauro? And over the weekend against Colorado, what? Did the 'supporters' forget to set their alarms? lol," the email read.
"I mean, we can only have the PA guy say 'a new BMO Field record!' so many times till someone catches on, right? We just need to bring in these guys from Galatsorry or Fenderbach or wherever, put a few beers in 'em and just, y'know, get the rest of the stadium going a bit."
The email lamented that the reputation of "best fans in MLS", once proudly touted as a selling point of the TFC experience, has been bestowed upon supporters in other towns.
"We need to catch up to those fuckers in Seattle and Portville, and these Turks are the way to do it. And don't worry about the logistics; we'll shoot them right up the 'waiting list' LOL"
The TFC official's email ended with a signature featuring the animated dancing baby made popular on the television program Ally McBeal.
One BMO Field security official, speaking on condition of non-existence, confirmed that preliminary plans are in place to accommodate the incoming Turkish fans.
"I don't think they really have any idea what they're getting into. They want to put the different club guys right next to each other. No separation, no nothing. They're going to kill each other. Literally. Human beings will end the lives of others for the sake of a fuckin' game."
The official was asked what the security plan would be.
"Ha, beats me. I ain't sending my crew up into that shit. Let the cops deal with it. Choppers, tasers, whatever they need. Then maybe those visitors won't come anymore. Worked in Columbus, didn't it?"
Calls to the Turkish embassy in Ottawa resulted in a voice mail. Later calls to Istanbul Grill in Toronto resulted in a half-dozen lamb kebabs.
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