As soccer fans around the world collectively rolled their eyes at the news that former FIFA vice-president and presidential candidate Mohamed bin Hammam has been banned from soccer for life, at least one follower reacted with sheer jubilation.
"Finally, they got that scoundrel! Soccer is saved!" said Brad Henske, 42, of Springfield, Massachusetts. "I sure am glad that whole bribery scare is behind us. Now that they've purged that bum, they can focus on the good of the game!"
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Henske says he wasn't aware of all of the nitty-gritty details of the bribery case against bin Hammam, but expressed absolute faith in FIFA's ability to police its own affairs.
"He was found guilty by the ethics committee. They wouldn't call themselves 'the ethics committee' if they weren't ethical. Heck, would FIFA even have an 'ethics committee' if they weren't ethical? I mean, then they'd be lying, wouldn't they? And that would be unethical. Which they aren't, because they have an ethics committee."
Henske briefly stared at some water dripping from his living room ceiling, into a purposefully positioned crock pot, before continuing.
"Like Jack Warner. He quit because some other bums tried to say he was guilty when he wasn't. So he had to quit to save his reputation. Just like Manny Ramirez. But they never found him guilty, so he's not guilty. That's how the justice system works. Besides, if he was a scofflaw, how did he ever get to be a FIFA vice-president in the first place? Someone would have found him out before he got there, don't you think?"
It was pointed out to Henske that bin Hammam was also a FIFA vice-president prior to being excommunicated from the world governing body. Henske stood up from his chair, allowed several drips of water to fall onto his hand, then returned to his seat.
"He's not in FIFA. He never was in FIFA. I don't know who you're talking about."
Henske was asked for his thoughts on bin Hammam's home nation, Qatar, being awarded the 2022 World Cup at the expense of the United States.
"Well, it was a vote, and they voted. And that's democracy. So we may not like the results but we have to live with them. Would I have liked the U.S. to win? Sure. But elections don't always go the way you like. Like relationships, and parties. Those don't always go the right way either, do they?"
As The Reserve Squad attempted to ask a followup question, Henske stood up and began lapping water from the ceiling drip before daintily wiping the side of his mouth with his sleeve.
"Would you like a snack? I'll go and get you something."
Henske then relocated to the kitchen. The Reserve Squad quickly saw itself out.
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