There's really not much fuel that needs to be added to the fire of a Canada vs. USA rivalry in anything. We're automatically predisposed to get riled up as if our lives depend on the result, while our southern neighbours act the same way if they win (whereas, if they lose, the event gets retroactively dismissed as being unworthy of their time and attention).
But what the hell, I'll try to do some stoking ahead of the Gold Cup showdown anyway, by directing your attention to a piece over at The Yanks Are Coming, a meant-to-be-tongue-in-cheek look at the U.S.A.'s Gold Cup opponents. The post's author calls himself "Puck" which, if my hazy memory of high school English class can be trusted (it probably can't) was the annoying little twerp who got on everyone's nerves in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
I'm probably giving this piece of garbage more attention than it deserves, but what the hell, I haven't done a good FJM in a while (or ever, really). So give the original article a quick scan, then head back for a dissection.
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In trying to come up with a topic for this week, I thought it would be a great idea to maliciously poke fun at our rival nations. However, in order to make a poignant joke, you really need to do your research.
This is in the preamble, before "Puck" lets loose his hilarity on Panama, Guadeloupe and Canada. I'm gonna focus on the Canadian side of things, obviously, but note a few things here: One, "Puck" admits that his post is malicious in nature, which means I'd be totally justified in calling it a poorly-written piece of crap. That's handy, since it's a poorly-written piece of crap. Second, "Puck" specifies that he is really going to do some solid research (also that his jokes will be "poignant", which I doubt he knows the meaning of).
I consider myself a smart guy but I focus on science, not history, so needless to say I learned some really interesting facts about these three CONCACAF nations.
Hear that, folks? "Puck" is going to rip on us with some "really interesting facts", which I'm sure won't be the same lukewarm, boring stereotypes that typically get lobbed over the border. Also, science is his forte.
Oh Canada, what can be said about the nation to the great white North? First of all, the country is huge, but most of it is completely uninhabitable which is why the majority of Canadians live as far south as possible.
Ha, get it? "Oh Canada". 'Cause our anthem is O Canada. Great stuff. Really interesting. Also, the country is "huge"? "Puck", don't sell yourself short by saying you only focus on science; clearly geography is a strong suit as well. And while the majority of Canadians do live fairly close to the U.S. border, I'd like to take issue with your description of most of the country as "uninhabitable"... but that wouldn't really be fair, since your grasp of that word's definition seems as tenuous as your understanding of "poignant".
Every year it seems like more and more of them are turning up in South Florida.
Old people like to go where it's sunny. Wow, what an indictment of our soccer team. I almost wonder if this is a back-handed Chris Bosh joke. Such a comment would make no sense, but maybe "Puck" thinks "Canadian" is a communicable disease that Bosh picked up while playing here. And if that's the case, he's forfeited his right to be called an expert in science.
Before I really get into busting on Canada, first I need to go over some information on the soccer squad. Currently, they are ranked 80 in the world by FIFA...
84th, actually. Quality research there. To recap thus far: geography, yay; science, history, math and reading comprehension, nay.
...and have only qualified for one World Cup back in 1986. In terms of CONCACAF and other FIFA International Tournament play, they earned the right to compete in the 2001 Confederations Cup by winning the 2000 Gold Cup with a win over Columbia.
Colombia. "Geography" has been moved to the "nay" category. Note that the "yay" category is now empty.
While it appears that Teal Bunbury has made his choice to play for the USMNT, there has been no word yet if 85 year old goalkeeper and Edson Buddle chew toy Pat Onstad will use his Rascal motorized scooter in goal during the Gold Cup.
Summary: Pat Onstad is old. The joke is more cutting if it's not a joke that's already been used by Canadian fans themselves for the past five years. And if he wasn't retired from the national team. (Though who the hell am I kidding, the way we're going, he probably will be our third 'keeper.)
Enough with the pleasantries: it’s time to let loose.
Alright, here we go "Puck"! Time to use your top-flight research and learning skills to really tear us stupid Canadians a new one!
First of all, I don’t think there is a more annoying person in the world than a French Canadian.
Number of French-Canadians "Puck" has ever actually met in his life: Zero.
Seriously, everyone hates French Canadians, even other Canadians.
You're the sort of idiot that calls them "freedom fries", aren't you?
So what if you speak French, you live in Quebec, jackleg!
Yeah, take that, you... wait, what? Jackleg? I've never heard that used as an insult before. A quick Google search tells me it's a term mainly used in the southern U.S. Imagine that, an ignorant xenophobe living beneath the Mason-Dixon line. Who'd have guessed?*
That makes you Canadian, not French— if you don’t like it then get on with it and move to Paris or Nice, for heaven’s sake!
I'm guessing Puck considers naming a French city that's not Paris to be top-notch research.
Sure Canada has given the world some beautiful women like Elisha Cuthbert...
Y'know, the country isn't really in a position to "give" a person away. Humans can't own other humans. You know that, right?
...but all is not forgiven because Canada also has given us blight upon society Justin Bieber.
Oh, come on Puck, don't overcompensate here. You've got at least a couple of brightly-coloured hoodies in your wardrobe. You've tried channeling the power of the Biebs. The fact that it's been unsuccessful isn't his fault.
Or maybe that isn't it. Maybe he's a bit too, um, "un-manly" for your liking? Hell, I'm already assuming you're an ignorant, xenophobic misogynist... may as well throw homophobia in there too, for good measure.
Honestly, someone needs to get rid of this kid, I am tired of hearing grown women talk about how cute he is: it disgusts me. I would never suggest that he go to a local intrastate and play in traffic, but you get what I’m saying. On a side note, you all need to be following Mos Def on twitter because he frequently drops gems like this one: “I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but it’s in his ass and belongs to Usher…”
Well, guess there was no use in me tiptoeing around Puck's homophobia, then. Cripes, he's spent more time "researching" Bieber than the Canadian soccer team. But yeah, damn us for producing an annoying pop star! America has only ever produced musicians of indisputable musical creativity and social worth.
A good cheer for late in the game at Ford Field then would be:
Dear Canada, It is time for you to take your Universal Health Care, funny accents and leave.
If anyone has any clue what tune that'd be sung to, please lemme know. Hell, it probably matches up perfectly with a Bieber tune I've never heard (but which a devotee such as Puck would be very familiar with).
And, wait a minute... you're ignorant, xenophobic, homophobic and you hate universal health care? Here, let me write your next paragraph for you: "I can't wait till that secret Muslim Barack Hussein Obama -- who Glenn Beck told me was born in Kenya -- gets 'taken out' of office (if you know what I mean) and replaced by a real American patriot like Sarah Palin... or Rand Paul."
Based on this brilliant, intellectually stimulating deconstruction of not only Canadian nationhood, but our chances at the Gold Cup, I have not only a pretty good character sketch of Puck as a person, but also a pretty solid idea of what he may look like:
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* I appreciate the irony in responding to hackneyed, pejorative cliches about one region with hackneyed, pejorative cliches about another region. But he started it! And don't get me wrong, this isn't one giant dig at the South. There are plenty of brilliant people from the South. Hell, Puck might not even be from the South.
Also, lest you think I'm throwing all of The Yanks Are Coming under the bus, I present Neil Blackmon's more reasonable assessment: "the Canada opener should make for good fun—fans can start a “Hate Canada Week”, alla 2010’s wildly successful “Hate England Week”, or perhaps we can encourage Canada to ante up the stakes for the match with a friendly bet or two. Longtime Yanks reader Braden Medders has already set the bar high for this idea with the suggestion that the US-Canada winner receives Teal Bunbury for eternity while the loser receives Buffalo."
Good idea. I don't think Bunbury or Buffalo are on the table, but how about a friendly bet of some kind?
You'd have to give us odds -- and nothing that involves wearing a dress (that's already gone painfully wrong for one CSN writer). So Neil, or any other American writer or pundit reading this... any ideas? Lemme hear 'em: canadiansoccerguys@gmail.com
Not Puck, though; I don't want to hear from you. You're a moran.
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