The women's national team really did play a friendly against Sweden in Malmo on Saturday morning. And they really did lose the game 3-1, with Sophie Schmidt scoring Canada's consolation goal in the 89th minute.
But as there was no way to watch the game here -- what little information was available came through tweets from a website and a player -- there's no way to recap the game without making stuff up. So, here is a completely fabricated synopsis of Canada v. Sweden.
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The game started well, with no fewer than five Swedish players seen cowering in fear and/or wetting themselves at the mere sight of the fearsome Canadian squad. Canada got several scoring chances quickly, but none hit the target. Reports at field level suggested the Canadians were intentionally missing the net, in an attempt to hit Swedish fans as punishment for having the audacity to cheer against Big Red.
Canada, thinking so little of their opponent, decided to spend the seventh minute practicing Celine Dion's Power of Love (in preparation for their upcoming Olympic victory) rather than paying attention to the ball, allowing Caroline Seger to score a goal for the Swedes. Desiree Scott, angry at having her flawless vocal stylings interrupted, burned down most of the grandstand at the stadium. She was shown a yellow card.
Canada spent the rest of the first half playing keepie-uppie, reaching a cumulative total of 486 before a loud cough from one of the assistant referees caused a momentary distraction. The game continued with only one assistant referee.
To start the second half, Canada decided once again to tune up their singing voices at the seventh minute, once again allowing Sweden to get through for a goal. Scott proceeded to burn down the remainder of the stadium, and was thus sent off. The game continued without a referee.
With the game quickly breaking down, Christine Sinclair used as-yet-undiscovered-by-human-beings telekinetic power to assume control of Kosovare Asllani, using her to score a goal on the Canadian net. Sinclair, you see, enjoys scoring goals just for fun.
Late in the match, Canada -- controlling 115% of ball possession by this point -- played an excessively convoluted, 10-way game of rock-paper-scissors to determine who'd finally be the one to score a goal on the Swedish net. With a brilliant run of rock-rock-paper-rock-scissors-rock-paper-paper-scissors-scissors-punch, Sophie Schmidt claimed the honours, scoring a goal for Canada which -- as determined by substitute referee Karina LeBlanc -- counted for four.
All in all, a glorious 4-3 victory for Canada, with only $1.8 million in damage done. Olympics, here they come!