Every so often (which is to say, on two occasions just in the last 10 months), a Canadian national team plays a game that simply isn't televised. Nowhere. Nada. Canada's encounter with South Korea on Monday morning, its second match of the 2013 Yongchuan Cup, was another one of those occasions.
While long-time Canadian soccer fans are accustomed to the idea of following our teams via choppy radio streams in foreign languages, desperately hoping for a two-sentence wire-service summary in the following day's newspaper (good luck with that one) or just not knowing the game was happening to begin with, a new generation is accustomed to having whatever "content" they desire available to them on-demand and, of course, free of charge.
Kids these days, eh?
So, to placate those people and to somewhat justify the fact that I got up early to follow intermittent Twitter updates from the CSA's official feed, here's my mostly fabricated synopsis of Canada v. South Korea!
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Canada rolled out a much different lineup than they did in the opener against China, with Karina LeBlanc providing goalkeeping and hairstyling support behind a defensive line of Robyn Gayle, Emily Zurrer, Shelina Zadorsky and Chelsea Stewart. The centre-back pairing, by special request, introduced their new nickname by entering the field wearing matching giant beards, sunglasses and leather jackets emblazoned with "The ZZ Tops".
Somewhere nearby, a pair of Chinese bureaucrats angrily furrowed their brows, as Zurrer and Zadorsky had failed to fill out the proper paperwork for such a display.
As the national anthems began, some buffoon raised the North Korean flag instead of the South Korean one. Rather than being outraged or angry, however, most of the South Korean players appeared to express profound sadness for the plight of their brothers and sisters to the north.
Then the same buffoon played Gangnam Style instead of the South Korean anthem, sending the players into a near-uncontrollable rage.
That rage translated into a number of early chances for the South Koreans, as well as inability of the coaching staff or officials to control the behaviour of the substitutes. So, playing with 18 against 11 -- the polite Canadian substitutes keeping their place on the bench, of course -- South Korea took a 2-0 first-half lead. Head coach John Herdman, at halftime, demanded an explanation from a nearby FIFA official, who instead simply burped and wiped his mouth with a 100-yuan note.
During halftime, Christine Sinclair -- appropriately enough, being punished by authorities for saying something they didn't approve of -- silently stewed in the audience, as nearby spectators cowered, looking at her as though she was a hardened criminal in a TV show who you just know is about to get free of their shackles somehow. Her decision to wear an orange jumpsuit also helped in this regard.
Once the teams returned for the second half, sure enough, Sinclair barreled down to field level and chased the Korean players, Keystone Cops style, for a good 20 minutes. Eventually, the real cops were able to track her down and drag her from the stadium as she dramatically yelled "freedom!" Up in the bleachers, Ai Weiwei nodded his head in approval.
Finally the referee was able to resume the game. The Canadian players, feeling sympathy for their terrorized opponents, decided to spot them a third goal. Herdman, still angry after his encounter with the inattentive and smelly FIFA official, summarily yanked most of the squad off the field and replaced them with subs (in an orderly, sanctioned manner, of course) in what he'd later describe as indicative of his plan to use this tournament to experiment with different lineups and strategies, as part of the long-term buildup to the 2015 Women's World Cup.
But no no, John, you're not fooling anyone. This was retribution.
Eventually, 17-year-old Nichelle Prince was substituted into the game and, as teenagers do, got bored really quickly. So, within one minute of entering the game, she broke up the monotony by scoring an 80-yard screamer, as rainbows and pixie dust shot out the back of the ball, much like in those "
Desiree Scott was later shown a yellow card for DESTROYING... a Korean free kick. Oh, and she also ate a car, a la Robosaurus. Actually, wait, that one's just silly. Why would there just be a car sitting near a soccer field while professionals played? What is this, RFK Stadium?
The game ended without any further scoring, not even for the smelly FIFA official, whose clumsy attempt to hit on a woman sitting near him was swiftly rebuffed. Apparently, "perhaps you should wear tighter shorts" is a bad pick-up line.
Canada plays its final game of the Yongchuan Cup on Wednesday morning, presumably with a similar amount of live coverage on Chinese TV (which is to say, none).
Highlights of Canada v. South Korea, provided by the CSA. Note that the video may differ slightly from the descriptions provided in this match report:
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