(This article originally appeared at Some Canadian Guys Writing About Soccer on February 15, 2009. Wondering what this is? Click here.)
A month after rejecting a US$150-million transfer from AC Milan to Manchester City, Brazilian star Kaka is once again the subject of transfer rumours — only this time, the seller has changed.
Breaking a two-millennium-long silence, representatives of the reclusive Jesus H. Christ released a statement earlier today confirming that Kaka will, indeed, be sold to a club willing to pay $100 million for his services.
“While Kaka’s devotion to AC Milan is admirable, he is rightfully the property of Mr. Christ,” the release said. “The player has admitted as much on several occasions.”
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
“I know this will surprise many people,” Mr. Christ said in the release. “But desperate times call for desperate measures. With plummeting church attendance, the recession and some regrettable business ventures in the past few centuries, it’s time to liquidate some assets.
“As well, I know that I serve as a beacon and role model for my followers — and while my spirit of generosity and goodwill has served humanity well during these millennia of nearly unabated economic progress, now that we have entered the abject downfall of free-market capitalism, it is time to lead with shrewd business principles.
“Also, it would be nice to get a new pair of sandals. You do get a blister or two after 2,000 years.”
As to why Kaka’s price had been lowered by $50 million, the release only mused about the “unfortunate theological decisions made by the current owners of Manchester City.”
The release did not indicate whether this was the beginning of a fire-sale of Mr. Christ’s diversified holdings — which include assets ranging from soccer players such as Kaka and Dirk Kuyt, to real estate properties such as rural African wayside chapels and the White House.
Kaka, for his part, was accepting of the situation.
“I would love to stay in Milan,” he said through an interpreter. “But if my Lord and Saviour desired it, I would play for the Kansas City Wizards.”
AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi, however, was much less magnanimous.
“Why has He chosen this moment to make His wishes known?” asked the Italian politician and businessman. “So much pain, so much suffering that has happened in this world, in His name, and He has been silent… yet He returns only to weaken our midfield? This is a sad day for myself and for all of Italy.”
Mr. Christ made sure to clarify that this intervention in the day-to-day affairs of his followers does not officially qualify as a Second Coming.
“I cannot say when I’ll be back for real,” He said in the release. “But if things keep going the way they are, it might just be sooner rather than later. I can’t be any more specific.”
As for why the Son of God, martyr for all of humanity’s sins and possessor of eternal life in Heaven, suddenly needed an injection of cash, the release was similarly vague.
“Mr. Christ has a concrete plan in place to reinvest these funds,” the release claimed. “We are not at liberty to discuss the plans at this time, but suffice to say, if you haven’t read the King James Bible, you may want to give it a look. Soon.”
Note: When contacted by a reporter inquiring about the well-known passage in the Book of Matthew which says that it is easier than a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven, a representative of Mr. Christ would only state that a “grandfather clause” was in effect.