Given the amount of hubbub surrounding the MLS SuperDraft yesterday, I figured I'd take a night to reflect on what -- to any right-thinking member of the human race -- was the biggest news coming out of not just the Toronto FC camp, but the entire league, and possibly the entire soccer world...
Chad Barrett being traded to the Los Angeles Galaxy for "future considerations".
My initial reaction ("FUCK YOU TFC~!!!") was a tad visceral and lacking in nuance, I'll admit. So after some reflection time, I've refined my analysis of the deal somewhat, and come to the following conclusion:
TFC are a bunch of stupid doody heads.
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Seriously, Chad Barrett just might have been the greatest player to ever wear the Toronto FC kit -- and that's saying something, since that group contains over 300 players in just over four years' time. He ran all over the place, he got really passionate about what he was doing, and he occasionally kicked the ball near the net. Those are the three key qualities of "the best kid out on the field", if the encouragement my U7 coach gave me is to be believed.
So what the fuck did he do wrong? Why did he deserve to go?
Look, I understand it's a time for "renewal" at Toronto FC, a.k.a. "shedding all the garbage from the previous season" a.k.a. "the normal off-season routine". But there's a little something we call continuity in sports. Rhythm. Momentum. Those are all sports words too. Sure, no one's gonna give a flying shit if Raivis Hscanovics ends up working at Dollarama, but there are certain key cogs that the Reds should have maintained in order to keep some semblance of a solid squad.
The self-obsessed, trialing-in-Scotland "captain". The blackballed-in-Europe, underperforming central midfielder. The criminally-underpaid, possibly-disgruntled local duo of centre backs. The days-are-numbered-in-this-league goaltender. And the runs-around-a-lot-and-gets-excited striker.
That's the sort of core you build a championship team around.
People -- I call them "idiots" -- claimed Chad wouldn't fit into the "Total Football" system being implemented by the new management team. Well, yeah, obviously. Chad doesn't speak Dutch, because why the fuck should he? He speaks soccer. It's the universal language, and he speaks it with his feet. I don't see Aron Winter or Paul Mariner speaking with their feet. They use their mouths like the rest of us plebs who aren't on Chad's level. Total Football my ass. QED.
Other people -- I call them "assholes" -- say the move was vital to help TFC clear up some salary room. Well, unless they were clearing that room in order to make room for a bigger cheque with the words "Payable to Chad Barrett" on it, I'm not interested in this nonsense. Salary caps are for losers. This is Toronto. We spend our way to championship teams. And before you say "that argument hasn't held water since 1993", let me ask you, who just got inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame? That's right, Roberto Alomar. A Toronto Blue Jay. Clearly he's still great, ergo clearly the Jays are still great, ergo Toronto still knows how to buy championships.
Too bad Winter and Mariner don't know how to
No, sadly, it'll be the Galaxy who'll be catching the taste of Chad Barrett from here on out. It tastes like sweat. And ground-up molars. And chewed-up turf. And I think I detect a sweet honey glaze. Is that cardamom? Wow, you put a lot of work into this. No, it really is delicious. Wait, where was I?
Oh right, furious anger. The only way this is a good move is if TFC have had the wonderful foresight to sucker the celeb-hungry Galaxy into a move for who they thought was a member of the Rooney family (what with the physical similarities and all). Then, once the dupe is revealed, and L.A. realizes that the Home Depot Center can't possibly contain the awesomeness that is CHAD, they package him back to Toronto FC (along with a bunch of cash, and one of those super-giant packs of Ferrero Rocher chocolates you usually only see at Christmas) as the "future considerations"!
It could happen, right? Right?!
No, sadly, even I'm resigned to the reality that Chad is gone. Now who will I predict will score a brace before every Toronto FC kickoff? (No, seriously, who the fuck is going to score for this team?)
No one, that's who. Because the only "future considerations" you're getting out of this deal, Toronto FC, are my considerations about whether I want to spend the future supporting a team that dealt away the glory that was, and is, Chad Barrett.
Fare thee well, Chad. I can only hope you'll have the same lasting impact in L.A. as you did in Toronto: Conning some overly-optimistic local writer into wearing a ridiculous floral dress in public.