We kick off with the non-event of the past week, Simeon Jackson's Saturday morning Premier League debut that wasn't. Supporters of Canadian soccer had been waiting for this moment since May, when Jackson headed in the goal that put Norwich City back into the top flight.
For anyone stumbling wide-eyed into the world of Canadian soccer, a handy measure of both the magnitude of Jackson's achievements and his popularity among readers of this website would be the fact its most prominent writer penned an entire article dedicated to the debut the night before it didn't happen.
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Unfortunately, Jackson watched Norwich's 1-1 draw with Wigan from the bench. More unfortunately, it was exactly the kind of result to give manager Paul Lambert pause before engaging in any lineup tinkering for the next match.
Steve Morison, the man on the pitch instead of Jackson, earned plaudits from the local press for his efforts.
The Millwall man showed a willingness all afternoon to pull centre halves out into the channels and when he isolated Adrian Lopez down the right he had the skill to skip past the defender and fire in a deflected cross that was too hot to handle for goalkeeper Ali Al Habsi and Hoolahan was on hand to score.
Morison literally sweated blood for the cause after a fifth-minute clash of heads with Lopez and showed the kind of hunger that has the potential to make him a fans’ favourite at Carrow Road.
More of a fan favourite than the guy who scored seven heroic goals in nine games at the end of last season? Because that's what Jackson did. If the 2011/12 season drags on and Jackson finds his minutes limited or, horror of horrors, he gets loaned to a Championship team, the sound of hundreds of fists pounding hundreds of tables will echo across the land. Canadian soccer wants and Canadian soccer needs Jackson to succeed.
Of course those wallowing in the potential woes of Jackson could simply say to hell with it and take pleasure instead from the continuing progress of Marcel de Jong. The young Canadian leftback has now logged 180 straight minutes in the first two rounds of the Bundesliga. Keen readers may recognize this as the local league in Germany, who are hardly a running joke on the international footballing circuit. Long Balls has no idea what to make of de Jong's player rating from the Augsburger Allgemeine, but based on the tone we're cautiously optimistic.
The defender goes well on the left side with Bellingshausen. Both supported each other. His free kicks and long shots, however, were ever better.
If Canada had an answer to England's Brave John Terry it would have to be Kevin McKenna. The same powerful stature, retreating hairline and appearance of being about 15 years older than is actually the case. Both also inspire by their actions on the pitch, but we should add one important caveat to this line of comparison: McKenna does not exude the general all-consuming sense of being a dick.
Nice guy he may be, but at 31 and a half years of age Canada and McKenna don't have much time left together. Long Balls would prefer that the remaining good years feature him playing at the highest level possible in Germany and this is the reason we were so heartbroken to read news that McKenna is possibly being shopped around to clubs in the second division.
As for what he did on the pitch this week? The burly defender did his first 90 Bundesliga minutes of the season on Saturday for Koln in a 5-1 loss to Schalke 04. For those new not only to Canadian soccer but to soccer itself, 5-1 losses rarely flatter either of the losing pair of central defenders. At least McKenna didn't issue any potential division-two suitors a come-and-get-me plea by handling in the box and surrendering a penalty.
Only three players in, but Long Balls tires now. So finally, in the "we'd rather not pay attention to but grudgingly admit that keeping at least loose tabs on is probably worth it" category, a footballer whose international future may or may not lie with Canada. Blackburn striker David Hoilett played 90 minutes on Saturday in a 2-1 loss to Wolves, with the young Canadian "prompting a superb diving save from his opposite keeper." Or so said some report whose link we have now lost. As long as Hoilett continues to use his coy flirtations with Canada as a smokescreen for his ambitions with England, Long Balls is content to read about more diving saves and less about wonderful goals when it comes to Hoilett.
And while we're near the bottom of the barrel we may as well scrape it. Jonathan de Guzman (who - barring a minor miracle - will never suit up for Canada) is now being wildly linked with a move Russia's Rubin Kazan. When Canadian soccer bloggers write about de Guzman they often use phrases such as "on the Dutch radar" or "off the Dutch radar" figuratively, to illustrate just how likely it is deGuz Junior will ever play for Holland. Long Balls believes that if de Guzman goes to Russia he may go off the Dutch radar literally, depending on how far east their scouting network goes.
Will Simeon Jackson nail his first Premier League minutes? Will Jonathan de Guzman find himself in midfield duels with fellow Canadian and Russian Premier Leaguer Joseph Di Chiara? Tune in next mid-week to find out. Or just read the news online and watch the games on TV this weekend.
Ps. In a barely needed postscript to all this, Jono de Guz now seems to be asking rhetorically via Twitter about a move to Villarreal. Long Balls was never very good at this being clever stuff, but we'll give it a shot: Hi Jono. Do you know how desperately Canada could use a creative midfielder in the centre of the pitch to bolster its attack?