This is part of my series of "fearless" (i.e. irrelevant) predictions for various areas of Canadian soccer in 2014. For any idea of why I'm doing this, click here.
Oh, Toronto FC. Most years, a list of predictions would be so easy. Slapped-together roster, coach being fired, playoffs being missed, so on and so forth. But this year, you seem intent on making things difficult by striving for actual success... or at least, doing a better job than usual of convincing jaded fans that you're striving for actual success.
That being said, this series is all about being fearless (grrr!) so I'm going to put myself out there and make some bold claims about what the year will hold. Fasten your seat belts.
Fearless Predictions for Toronto FC in 2014
Dwayne De Rosario will pantomime a cheque-signing in the first minute of his first appearance. Some would consider this an unnecessarily incendiary move, but I think it's the best way to get out ahead of the story and immediately put to rest any questions of whether he'll do it after scoring a goal.
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Dwayne De Rosario will be traded to Chivas USA for allocation money. Refer to previous prediction.
Drake will include a reference to Bitchy the Hawk in a new track. In response, some fans will marvel at the coolness of an esoteric reference to our little club being made by one of the world's biggest hip hop stars; while most fans will complain, since there's nothing Canadians enjoy doing more than tearing down their own successful exports.
Doneil Henry will get sent off for something preventable. Observers will point to this as a lack of maturity. Jason de Vos will steadfastly defend him. Hey, gotta throw in an easy one here and there.
Joe Bendik will make a mistake that will cost the team a goal. For the following nine hours, the hashtag #BringBackFrei will be trending in Toronto.
TFC will concede a goal in the final 10 minutes of a game to lose points. For the following nine hours, a small group of nerds will make constant reference to "Tobias", while the majority of fans will wonder what the moustachioed guy from Arrested Development has to do with anything.
Kyle Bekker will continue to be Kyle Bekker. Is he an MLS starter? Will he get traded or loaned or sold off? Will he rot on the bench? Will he keep playing for Canada? Who knows -- but he's Kyle Bekker, which means these are the questions that must surround him and any mention of his name.
Some utterly insignificant on-field action or off-field comment will be blown ridiculously out of proportion. Will it be Gilberto making an off-hand remark about Toronto's weather? Jonathan Osorio slumping his shoulders after a missed shot at a crucial time? A new facial expression Ryan Nelsen adopts and over-uses throughout the course of the season? Stay tuned!
Tim Bezbatchenko's name will be misspelled, and his role with the team will be misstated. Same goes for Tim Leiweke. The two will be confused for one another on multiple occasions. You might just wanna make a drinking game out of this one.
Someone not named Robert Earnshaw will attempt the Robert Earnshaw goal celebration. They will injure themselves horribly.
Toronto FC will qualify for the MLS playoffs. On a related note, I'll continue to blur the line between which of my statements reflect my true beliefs and which ones are intended for comedic/trolling effect.
Got your own fearless predictions to make? Add your two cents in the comments section below.
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