"Sometimes I think you want to fail!"
"Shut up, just shut up!"
- Two Guys From Kabul, The Simpsons
If an alien were to be plunked into the city of Toronto, from whence they'd need to derive their understanding of the psychology of human sports fandom, their report back to the mothership would likely read as follows:
"The humans use displays of athletic competition as a means of communal self-flagellation. The humans name the teams after geographical locations, and then humans from those geographic locations revel in the failure and humiliation of those teams. We believe it is an outward projection of their own masochism, self-hatred and sense of ennui."
I don't know why the alien talks like an annoying first-year university student trying to overuse 50-dollar words, but you get my point. Toronto is screwy. We seem to take perverse delight in our teams' perpetual failure, almost wearing it as a badge of anti-pride.
So it's strangely fitting that presumed-new-TFC-signing Gilberto's introduction to the city was at a Raptors game, given that the Raptors' modus operandi ahead of a stacked NBA draft is to do what teams like Toronto FC generally tend to do, intentionally or otherwise: Lose games.
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Gilberto, then, could be forgiven for developing a first impression not unlike that of our imaginary alien, or of the famous Afghan restauranteurs from an early episode of The Simpsons.
Sometimes, it's easy to believe, Toronto wants to fail.
Of course, we're not talking about the players themselves. As the Toronto Star's Cathal Kelly (who had a busy night at the Air Canada Centre) wrote, professional players will continue to play to win (or at least say they're doing so), even if the perception is that the team is in "tank" mode (not to be confused with "Tanc mode").
Even so, the perception (accurate or not) that the Raptors are forfeiting this campaign in order to have a better shot at drafting hometown boy Andrew Wiggins next year gives Toronto fans a giddy feeling -- finally knowing that it's OK to feel kinda good about the team being bad. For once, hopefully, hating ourselves will pay off with a realistic reason to like ourselves again.
Which brings us, rather circuitously, to Gilberto and Toronto FC.
There is perhaps no group of sports fans in the city more inward-looking and more self-loathing than the Toronto FC faithful. This group has turned "using sporting misery as an expression of camaraderie" into an art form. They're so good at it, in fact, that it's sometimes difficult to imagine how they would react if Toronto FC was ever actually, y'know, good.
In fact, some of them will likely be upset if and when that day comes, since on-field success would spoil TFC's constantly-reaffirmed reputation as hapless losers.
"They may be hapless losers," says that as-yet-theoretical TFC fan, though this could just as easily come out of the mouth of any Toronto sports fan, "but they're our hapless losers!"
Well, bad news, self-hating TFC fan. Those days might be numbered.
It's early, early, early days. But as has been said before, Jackson (signed earlier this week) is precisely the sort of experienced MLS player that's need to build a successful team in this league. And Gilberto -- about whom most of us know nothing, other than if someone says his name quickly and you're not listening closely, you might hear "Alberto Gilardino" -- is precisely what the next generation of designated players should be: Young, South American, attack minded.
Will he succeed in MLS? No one knows. Will Jermain Defoe follow him to Toronto? No one knows (well, some people are strongly hinting that they know). Will Joe Bendik replicate his 2013 form and show that he's a worthy long-term replacement for Stefan Frei? No one knows.
But guess what? It's Dec. 11. Last season ended four days ago. Next season is three months away. This is the time for uncertainty -- or rather, it's the time for this kind of uncertainty: "How will (recently acquired player) do for this team? Will they sign (potential target player)?" and so on.
It's much better than the usual kind of TFC off-season uncertainty: "Who's the head coach going to be? Who's going to be in the front office? Will the team actually have 18 warm bodies to put out there on opening day?"
It's almost farcically pointless for anyone to say "Leiweke and Bezbatchenko have a plan!" since Payne had a plan, Mariner had a plan, Winter had a plan, Klinsmann had a plan, Johnston had a plan, Anselmi had a plan... yeah.
But just rattling off that list of names gave some TFC fans a bizarre, subconscious uptick in self-satisfaction. "Yeah, there has been a lot of bullshit with this team! I hope there's even more bullshit, and they lose even more games, so that I can show how much I really support them!"
You realize how silly that is when you see it written down, right?
Perhaps the first guy from Kabul and the imaginary alien are onto something after all.
Don't be afraid, Toronto FC fans. If this really is the year that a plan comes together, and this really is the year that TFC finally has something vaguely approximating "a respectable league record, acquired by playing attractive soccer", it's OK. You can smile. You can actually be happy about the team's success, rather than its failure. No one will think less of you.
If, however, you feel the need to keep yourself wrapped in the warm embrace of sporting ineptitude, don't worry, you'll always have the Raptors... and Blue Jays... and Maple Leafs.
(At least until Leiweke and Drizzy Drake spoil those teams too.)
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