Normally this space would be used to answer questions from readers about the FIFA Laws of the Game and their application during real-game situations. And it still, theoretically, is. If you've got a question you want answered with sarcasm and soon-to-be-taken-down video clips, hit me up at canadiansoccerguys@gmail.com or @DanielSquizzato on Twitter. But for today, an update on those laws themselves.
When the International Football Association Board (the hyper-intelligent soothsayers who decide whether to approve changes to the Laws of the Game) got together over the weekend, two items on their agenda were top of mind for millions of soccer fans across the world.
Would FIFA move forward with goal-line technology? And, what would become of the ban on female players wearing hijabs? We got answers on both of those questions... and a few other interesting tidbits that largely flew under the radar.
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As the universe has a tendency of doing, it was gracious enough to give us a clear reminder of the impending arrival of our robotic goal-determining overlords by creating another goal-line controversy in the Serie A a few weeks ago, when Sulley Muntari's goal was disallowed because the match officials are week, feeble humans with their squishy, non-dust-repellent eyes:
Well, as you've probably heard by now, two companies have been approved to take part in further testing on the viability of goal-line technology. If one of them passes the sniff test, the implementation of goal-line technology could be approved at the IFAB's next meeting on July 2. If not, well, we'll just have to rely on those dumb, squishy humans for a bit longer.
The other big one was the ban on hijabs, implemented in 2007 and most notoriously enforced during an Olympic qualifying match last year. This past weekend, the IFAB "agreed to the proposal in principle that headscarves be allowed, pending an accelerated review of health and safety issues". Final approval would also come at the meeting on July 2.
The hijab issue simply cannot be extricated from other, way-beyond-soccer matters such as religion, culture, secularism and feminism. Because if this were just about the safety of players, as FIFA insists, then there'd be no hullabaloo. And the ban likely would have been overturned already (or never instituted in the first place), as a new generation of "sports hijabs" are perfectly safe for on-field use -- probably safer than having a long ponytail, when it comes down to it.
So let's leave it there, and get back to the meat of the on-field matters.
- You know those "good sportsmanship" dropped balls, where one team doesn't bother contesting it, and the other team is supposed to just give it back to them? Well, apparently, that unwritten rule was being taken advantage of to the extent that the IFAB thought it prudent to approve a written rule on the subject.
"Law 8 now clearly defines the action that should be taken by match officials, should the ball be kicked directly into the goal from an ‘uncontested’ dropped ball." What will that action be? Yellow card? Free kick? Candy? Can't wait to find out. - FIFA: "Hey IFAB."
IFAB: "Sup."
FIFA: "You know how, in knockout games, where teams play an extra 30 minutes?"
IFAB: "Yeah."
FIFA: "You know how that's, like, the equivalent of playing another third of a match, in a very physical and demanding sport?"
IFAB: "Yeah."
FIFA: "And players can get, like, tired. Especially since we make the top players run around non-stop, year-round in all sorts of made-up competitions and needless friendly tours so their club owners can 'build their global brand.'"
IFAB: "So?"
FIFA: "So, how about in those knockout games, if we let teams make an extra sub? Y'know, four instead of three?"
IFAB: "Nah."
FIFA: "OK, that's cool. Also, where can I buy an XXXL-sized money clip in this town?" - FIFA: "Hey IFAB."
IFAB: "Sigh. Yes, FIFA?"
FIFA: "You know how..."
IFAB: "Get to the point."
FIFA: "Well, you know a player who stops a goal or obvious goal-scoring opportunity has to endure 'triple punishment' - a sending off, a penalty kick for the opponent and a suspension? That's kind of unfair, don't you think?"
IFAB: "Nah. The opponent could always miss the resulting penalty, resulting in the goal-denier being hailed as a national hero."
FIFA: "But that outcome is so infrequent. Why would we make decisions based on events that happen very infrequently, or don't really have any impact on the result of the game?"
IFAB: "That reminds me, I found you a new money clip. They didn't have XXXL; is XXXXL okay?"
FIFA: "Yes. Yes it is."
And scene.