Steve Nash. Off the top of my head, he's the only high-profile, genuine celebrity Canadian soccer fan I can think of. And I don't know if he's even been to an MNT game recently. Plus he's a Spurs fan. Ugh.
This is an issue for Canadian soccer.
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It all stems from the old, tired problem that Canadian soccer (not "soccer in Canada" but Canadian soccer, played by the Canadian national team) isn't cool. It's cool, for some reason, to be Canadian and cheer for Italy or Brazil, for some reason, and there's even some cache to be found in supporting some an obscure country to which you have tenuous - or entirely made-up – ancestral ties. ("Yeah, my grandma is one-fifteenth Burkina Faso...nian. So I bought the jersey on eBay. Moumouni Dagano is the best!")
But it's not cool to support Les Rouges.
Well, you know what is cool? Celebrities! If celebrities have one use in this world (and that's a stretch) it's their power to bring attention to under-appreciated causes, like kabbalah, the South Beach Diet and Scientology. Why can't we add Canadian soccer to that list?
Imagine this: The CSA holds a press conference to unveil the national teams' new jerseys. The lights go down. The bass starts thumping. The dry ice drifts onto the stage. Suddenly – Lasers! Strobe lights! Fireballs! And when the smoke clears, who's standing there wearing the spankin' new Umbro kit? Pamela Freaking Anderson and, I don't know, Michael Bublé or something. Whammo! That, my friends, is gonna be in the next issue of Hello magazine.
Then the buzz starts building. Next thing you know, Chad Kroeger's wearing a Simeon Jackson T-shirt at the next Nickelback concert (they're still touring and stuff, right?), Elisha Cuthbert is dating Will Johnson and Kara Lang starts her retirement by landing her own show on the CBC. From there it's only a matter of time until, at the next WCQ match at BMO Field, we look up from the south stand and who do we see in a private box, his V's scarf carefully choreographed around his neck? Justin Motherfucking Beiber.
Actually qualifying for Brazil 2014 would be a mere formality at that point.
Now, this all may be so much smart-ass hyperbole, but there's a grain of truth. If we can get one or two genuinely famous genuine Canadian soccer fans, we'd be better off. If someone who has the ear of the tabloids actually drops a "big up" (as the kids say) for the Canadian national teams, think of how many people that would reach. Far, far more than a post on this blog would, to be sure. While a respected and well-informed personality like Jason DeVos can promote and talk up Canadian soccer 'till he's blue in the face, he's generally preaching to the choir. On the other hand, an idiot celebrity who doesn't know his Onstad's from his offsides, but is favourite fodder for trashy media, can actually raise a bit of awareness beyond the converted.
I know the hardcores out there will loathe the idea of hoardes of douchebag poseurs riding a (at present hypothetical) wave of support for Canada because celebs made it trendy and cool, but, well, too damn bad. Canada needs the visibility, the money and the pro-Canada fan support – even if it's just asses in seats. From there, things can only get better.
The U.S. has Drew Carey (who, I realize, isn't "cool," but at least he can spread the footie-lovin' word on late-night talk shows) and even Barack Obama. Who do we have? Steven Harper? That doesn't count. We need someone famous – the sooner, the better.
So start thinking: Are there any famous Canadian soccer fans out there?*
(*Note: Matthew Good is ineligible.)
Photo credit: chris_heald