Welcome to this week's Designated Player Roundup, taking a look at how the league's 15 DPs fared over the past week of MLS play. For some background on each of these fellows, check out the first edition of DP Roundup. Done? Good. Let's see how some of the league's ostensible marquee talents did this week.
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Week 7 (April 25 - May 1)
Archives: Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6
David Beckham (LA): Becks, it goes without saying, leads a very unusual life. On Friday, he was on home soil, celebrating the wedding of our future king (presuming that republican sentiment here doesn't reach a fever pitch before ol' Wills gets his shot at the throne, that is), hobnobbing with resplendently-dressed celebrities and aristocrats. Two days later, he was slogging away in front of 2,000 fans (give or take) in Frisco, Texas, where the game was delayed in the 83rd minute because of the crummy weather. He also tried to chip the 'keeper from 60 yards, unsuccessfully. That's Becks for ya.
Juan Pablo Angel (LA): Getting the start up front, Angel's most enduring contribution to the match (if the highlights package available on MLS's website is to be believed) was having his foot stepped on early in the first half. He also did pick up an assist (one of those cheapo, not-really-deserving second assists) on L.A.'s lone goal in a 2-1 loss to Dallas.
Landon Donovan (LA): While Beckham's weekend encapsulated the highest highs to the lowest lows in a matter of two days, Landycakes had the same rapid descent in the course of two seconds. He managed to get his toe to the end of a Juninho cross to get on the score sheet for the Galaxy, before ramming nuts-first into the goalpost. He stayed in the game, which presumably means the damage wasn't sufficiently great that he'll be unable to have kids. I would have said the hairline would have been a big obstacle there anyway, but as ol' Wills showed us, follicle count ain't nothin' but a number.
Julian de Guzman (Toronto): If the reaction of the folks around me at the Toronto bar that was showing the Toronto Football Club play on Saturday night (which, incidentally, wasn't the Toronto bar with the word "football" in its name, which was all jammed up with UFC fans that evening), the fact that JDG was subbed out in the 57th minute (for Nathan "are you kidding me?" Sturgis) is further proof to some that oh my God he's the worst signing in Toronto sports history!
But the fact that captain Maicon Santos was yanked before de Guzman was, and Alen Stevanovic was also subbed out for draft pick Matt Gold, making his first appearance for the senior team, suggests Aron Winter really was just resting some key players in what is a rather congested part of the schedule. Then again, that could just be me continuing to be stubbornly defensive of Jules for no reason other than the fact he's Canadian. That's kinda how I roll.
Oh, and for what it's worth, he picked up another yellow card, putting him one away from suspension.
Branko Boskovic (DC): Ol' BB filled a useful function in the DP Roundup. He'd show up each week (occasionally even on the field!), do nothing of note, head to the top of the DP Deathwatch, and boom, easy whipping boy. But then he had to do two colossally jerkfacey things. First, he turned in a great performance during a midweek U.S. Open Cup match, scoring both goals as his side was eliminated from the competition by New England. Then, his ACL went and decided that, as a result of a tackle in that game, it felt like being torn. So he's now gonna be on the shelf for a while, having left the lingering impression that he perhaps could be the impact player D.C. fans had hoped he could.
... Who the hell is supposed to be my whipping boy now?
Thierry Henry (NY): In a surprising move, Henry gave up his DP designation to newcomer Luke Rodgers who, in three weeks with the Red Bulls, has as many goals as the famous Frenchman does in 2011. Ha, just kidding. He did nothing of the sort, though he did provide a key assist for Rodgers' game-winner in New York's 1-0 home triumph over Kansas City over the weekend. Also, the Thierry Henry Face-Fur Experience is still on tour.
Rafael Marquez (NY): Come on, Rafa! You tried a sneaky little paradinha on a penalty kick, it failed horribly and the shot was saved. Surely your blood was boiling. What better time to expel some rage with a collection of cleats into somebody's face? And yet, you just calmly ran back to your end of the field. If this guy doesn't get red-carded soon, I'm not sure he deserves to keep his DP billing; clearly, he's all false advertising.
Alvaro Fernandez (Seattle): Bloody hell, do I have to write this one? Ugh. As though we was trying to work his way off the DP Deathwatch, the big goofball opened the scoring for Seattle with a nice headed finish in the ninth minute, then nearly got a second with another diving header later in the first half. What, you don't wanna be my go-to whipping boy either? Good grief. He ruined my weekend not only by propelling Seattle to an easy victory, but by making me have to actually think about who's on the Deathwatch this week. Jerkface.
Fredy Montero (Seattle): Montero fed a sneaky little ball in to Fernandez on that near-second-goal, and did collect an assist on Brad Evans' first goal of the evening. All of this in 66 minutes on the pitch! He was on pace, if he'd played the full match, to record 1.36 assists. That lost .36 could come back to haunt him, and the Sounders, at season's end. (Don't question me, it's mathematics.)
Omar Bravo (KC): Since Omar Bravo is out for a good number of weeks with a sports hernia, I'm going to fill this space with old quotes from Johnny Bravo instead. This week's gem: "Hello, 911 Emergency? There's a handsome guy in my bathroom! Hey, wait a second. Cancel that - it's only me!"
Alvaro Saborio (Salt Lake): In the most important game in MLS history (till the next one), Saborio was unable to lift his side to triumph in the CONCACAF Champions League final, as RSL fell to Monterrey in the second and deciding leg. Starting up front and playing the full 90 midweek, Saborio couldn't help break the goose egg at Rio Tinto, a sentence that would make absolutely no sense to a large, large majority of the population.
A similar fate befell RSL on the weekend, as they fell 1-0 at Jeld-Wen to the Timbers, as Saborio came closest for his side, but his sliding effort went wide of the goal. Also he was offside. But hey, he played the full 90 again, so he's racking up those minutes!
Eric Hassli (Vancouver): Preposterously enough, Hassli missed the Whitecaps' game in Columbus while serving his third suspension of the season (remember, we've just completed Week 7), this one for yellow card accumulation. I'm going to dispatch CSN's crack team of researchers (note: said team does not exist) to see whether Hassli is on pace for some kind of disciplinary record.
Andres Mendoza (Columbus): Mendoza also missed his side's 2-1 win over Vancouver due to suspension. Wait, no, I read that wrong. What I meant was "he's garbage." Say what you will about what a waste of space he is on the Crew's roster, but at least he didn't let me down this week! Branko, Alvaro, I'm looking at you jerkfaces.
Fabian Castillo (Dallas): The 18-year-old (!!!) made something beautiful out of an ugly, soggy night at Pizza Hut Park, chipping L.A. 'keeper Donovan Ricketts with a nice one-time volley to open his MLS scoring account. That's an odd phrase, since you hear about people opening their accounts, but never making any withdrawals. Perhaps it's like an RRSP, and they'll just live off their goals once they retire? With MLS salaries being what they are, the supplemental income is probably necessary. Then again, if you're a DP... hey, where was I? Oh yeah, Castillo scored his first goal in the league over the weekend.
Diego Chara (Portland): The league's newest DP (he'll keep getting this designation until someone new rolls along) played the full 90 in Portland's somewhat surprising home victory against Salt Lake, helping keep his side organized as they held onto a 1-0 lead right up until the final whistle.
DP Deathwatch 2011
1. Andres Mendoza: While some of his less-than-stellar DP brethren were out, y'know, "scoring goals" and "making contributions to the team", Mendozaaaaaaa! was occupying his two favourite spots: the Crew's bench, and the top of the DP Deathwatch.
2. Branko Boskovic: Yes, he had a good performance before getting his leg all fracked up. And that may end up glossing over his lack of contribution prior to that point, and casting him as a sympathetic character in the eyes of DCU's fans. Or, the team could do just as well, if not better, without him around, prompting those in the capital to realize they don't need him after all. Either way, I won't have him as a crutch on the Deathwatch for the next little while, and that's the biggest blow of all. Fare thee well, ol' BB.
3. Julian de Guzman: Yeah, what the hell, I'll stir the pot. Go up and down that list and tell me who else should be on this list, why don't ya?
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