Welcome to this week's Designated Player Roundup, taking a look at how the league's 15 DPs fared over the past week of MLS play. For some background on each of these fellows, check out the first edition of DP Roundup. Done? Good. Let's see how some of the league's ostensible marquee talents did this week.
This week, class, we've got a new student. Everyone welcome Diego. "Hi, Diego." Diego is from Colombia -- just like you, Andres! Diego is going to be with us until the end of the year -- or until the Timbers get tired of him and eat his contract.
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Yes, the league's newest DP is Diego Chara, who was signed by Portland earlier in the week. We'll get to him soon enough, but first, our returning "stars":
Week 5 (April 11 - April 17)
Archives: Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4
David Beckham (LA): Me, last week: "... that was (Beckham's) fourth yellow card in as many weeks, meaning he'll be in suspension trouble if and when he gets cautioned again (which, based on the trend, will probably be this week)". Sure enough, Becks saw yellow in L.A.'s 0-0 draw with Toronto on Wednesday, rendering him disciplinarily incapacitated for L.A.'s 2-1 victory over Chicahgo on Sunday. But in his one game of action, he did provide a few of his patented scrumptious set pieces (one which clanged off the upright), much to the rapture of the gaggles of excitable schoolgirls / bizarre elderly Man United fans at BMO Field.
Juan Pablo Angel (LA): Angel got his best chance about 30 seconds into an 84-minute performance against Toronto, forcing a great save from Stefan Frei. Then on Sunday, he was the late-game respite for the Galaxy's triumphant goal-scorer, coming in as a 77th-minute sub for Chad Barrett (~!!). That, if you're counting (don't bother, 'cause I am), was 13 minutes of DP time on Sunday, for a team with three designated players.
Landon Donovan (LA): Landycakes is not in a good way, kids. He missed both of the Galaxy's games this week, making it three straight games he's sat out due to knee problems. At this point, there's a chance he could retire from soccer to become a bus driver in Baltimore. Sure, the probability of that happening is statistically negligible... but I'm tellin' you
Julian de Guzman (Toronto): Jules appears to have fully reintegrated himself into Toronto's lineup following off-season surgery, getting the start on Wednesday and turning in his first full-90 performance of the campaign in Saturday's 3-0 debacle against D.C. United. He finds himself in the middle of the action often (committing fouls, and suffering them, not to mention picking up his third yellow card of the year on Saturday) but his ability to organize the team on the defensive (or offensive) side is, clearly, still taking time.
Branko Boskovic (DC): Well, having use the terms "D.C. United" and "debacle" in the same sentence, it's time to move on to ol' BB. He showed his face at BMO Field, coming on as a sub in the 73rd minute. I'd like to say I noticed his play one way or another, but at that point I was far too despondent to play close attention. The official stats give him a whole bunch of zeroes, so I'm just going to assume he's still useless.
Thierry Henry (NY): HE'S ALIVE! In what is surely the first step in a quest to get back into Barcelona's starting 11, Henry finally broke through in New York's 3-0 win over San Jose. First, he served up a goal on a silver platter to teammate Luke Rodgers, missed at least three scoring chances of his own and then, in the 87th minute, took the return favour from Rodgers, an inch-perfect cross that the former Invincible headed home to break his 2011 goal drought. Oddly, the angriest he looked all game was in his post-goal celebration.
Rafael Marquez (NY): No red card for Rafa this week. Not even a yellow. What the hell was he doing all night, defending and taking set pieces? Sheesh.
Alvaro Fernandez (Seattle): In anticipation of another useless week from Fernandez, I was all primed to talk about a Sounder at Heart story about sunk costs and how you shouldn't throw a DP out there just for the hell of it. Then, of course, Fernandez had to go out and score the dramatic, extra-time equalizer against Philadelphia, throwing my whole plan off-track! He could have scored several minutes earlier, too, but his shot was clearer off the line by Union defender Danny Califf. All after coming on as a 77th-minute sub. Alright, well, back to the drawing board on this one.
Fredy Montero (Seattle): Montero was the creator of that late Fernandez goal, lofting a cross into the area for his DP brethren to get an oddly-shaped noggin to. Curiously, Fredy also came on as a second-half sub, which can only mean that Sigi Schmid had a plan to lull Philly into a false sense of security before pouncing at the end. Though that's a preposterous suggestion, it did kinda work out that way...
Omar Bravo (KC): Since Omar Bravo is out for a good number of weeks with a sports hernia, I'm going to fill this space with old quotes from Johnny Bravo instead. This week's gem: "Hey, Santa, it's me, Johnny. Remember I'm the one that beat you up last year 'cause I thought you were a burglar?"
Alvaro Saborio (Salt Lake): When things are going your way, they're going your way. RSL nabbed a "controversial" (read: offside) goal in stoppage time for a 1-0 win over Colorado, though Saborio was a mere sub by that point, after providing 70 minutes of service to his side. The important thing, of course, is that Saborio is sufficiently fresh for the upcoming CONCACAF Champions League final, which is currently being hyped as the most important thing in MLS history... unless RSL falls short, in which case the pundits will go back to dismissing it as some unimportant, trivial competition that only Mexicans care about.
Eric Hassli (Vancouver): The big Frenchman was likely experiencing a bit of an existential crisis following the Whitecaps' 0-0 draw with Chivas USA. "Sure, I can be a driving force in the team's offence, sending a shot of my own off the woodwork and providing quality service to teammates, while also taking the time to pick up a yellow card," he was surely telling himself. "But if I don't score and get sent off on the day, then really, what's the point?"
Andres Mendoza (Columbus): Considering the Crew's DP spent the entirety of Saturday's win over SKC hanging around as an unused substitute, Columbus fans have just one favour to ask in upcoming games: Get Mendoza.
Fabian Castillo (Dallas): The 18-year-old (!!!) played the full 90 (and why shouldn't he, at that age?) as Dallas lodged a late, but ultimately futile comeback attempt against Portland on Sunday. It's tough to stand out when you're patrolling the offensive side of things alongside reigning league MVP David "Don't Call Me Day-vid" Ferreira, but the speedy youngster has plenty of time to grow. You'll see.
Diego Chara (Portland): Diego Ferney Chara Zamora (or as his friends call him, "Mista") is the latest addition to the roundup, having been signed this week by Portland, but not in time to feature in either of their games. The just-turned-25-year-old midfielder came up through the youth system of Deportes Quindio and made 124 appearances for the club in five seasons. He then popped over to two other Colombian clubs before making the jump to MLS.
He's also made one appearance for the Colombian national team, though it came last year in a friendly. He's only got eight goals in over 200 pro matches which means... he's a... holding midfielder? That can't be right. Have the Timbers signed Mo Johnston as general manager when no one was looking?
DP Deathwatch 2011
At the clever suggestion of reader Alan Clark, I'm replacing the designation of DP Albatross with the DP Deathwatch, a partial power rankings of which DPs are most likely to go the way of most other DPs: Into the dustbin of MLS league history. So, who's on the deathwatch this week?
1. Branko Boskovic: "What the hell did they spend that money on?" hasn't quite replaced "When the hell do we get a stadium?" as the top question on the minds of D.C. United fans, but it's close.
2. Alvaro Fernandez: Any jerkoff can score one big goal in MLS (plenty have), so Fernandez's heroics this week have done little but save him from ascending to the very top of this list.
3. Andres Mendoza: I've heard even the Crew's own announcers ask: "What is Mendoza doing out there?" That, of course, happens only when he's actually on the playing surface, which is an increasingly rare occurrence.
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