Having spent far more of my day than I'd have cared to embroiled in a rather inconvenient situation beyond my control, I find myself woefully lacking in the time necessary to craft the sort of fanciful nonsense that usually comprises these "mostly fabricated synopses".
These, of course, are the posts I inexplicably churn out after one of our national teams plays an entirely untelevised game, ostensibly to provide some manner of coverage but realistically to provide me a chance to incorporate stupid pop culture references and bizarre fictional narratives into the stuff I write here.
Anyway, Canada really did play its second group-stage game of the Cyprus Cup on Friday morning, and really did win 3-1 over Italy, following a 3-0 victory in their tournament opener against Finland. A result against England on Monday is what stands between them and a return to the championship final, which Canada has contested every year since this competition started in 2008.
All of that is true; believe the following at your own peril.
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Canada rolled out a starting XI of Labbe, Wilkinson, Zurrer, Buchanan, Nault, Scott, Schmidt, Matheson, Sinclair, Belanger, Leon. You probably ought to believe this part, since I have very little incentive to fudge the lineup.
Far be it from me to indulge in stereotypes about Italian soccer, but here are two live tweets from the CSA:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>And we're underway in Larnaca! <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23canWNT&src=hash">#canWNT</a> in red, Italy in blue.</p>— Canada Soccer (@CanadaSoccerEN) <a href="
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And then, literally just two minutes later:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Slight delay now as an Italian player is down receiving treatment. <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23canWNT&src=hash">#canWNT</a></p>— Canada Soccer (@CanadaSoccerEN) <a href="
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Two minutes into the game for time-wasting has to set a new record. Even the Hondurans will have trouble reaching that lofty mark.
(Note for the easily "offended": As per the law of standup comedy, I am fully and in perpetuity permitted to take shots at the Italian team, by way of my ancestral heritage. As for Honduras, well, that's my well-established schtick, take it or leave it.)
Diana Matheson, fully in the zone with the latest episode of the Freakonomics podcast blaring through her earphones (which she wears on the field, FIFA Laws be damned, just 'cuz) opened the scoring in the first half, whereupon she performed the dance move "the robot" with such aplomb that worldwide, the burgeoning population of slowly-gaining-sentience-en-route-to-taking-over-the-world actual robots hung their heads in collective shame.
But they'll have their revenge. Don't you worry.
Adriana Leon doubled Canada's advantage later in the half, then celebrated by jumping in a barrel and riding down the nearest waterfall. It was a heck of a trip, since there aren't many waterfalls near Cyprus. Or maybe there are, who knows, this isn't a geography class.
Kaylyn Kyle -- who recently changed her first name to Kylaylaleenleeleykee, simply so that all of the horrible ways that foreign commentators somehow butcher her name are now somewhat accurate -- finished Canada's scoring on the day, and chose to refrain from celebrating, for the sake of preserving that celebratory energy for the next time she's at the Saskatoon airport, since that's where all the cool parties are held.
Some Italian player (who presumably speaks with her hands and enjoys tomato-based meals [see "law of standup comedy", above]) also scored a goal but we'll forget about that since history is written by the winners and the winner on the day were the mighty and virtuous Canadians.
Final game of the group stage is, as mentioned, Monday against England. There actually won't be a "mostly fabricated synopsis" for that one, so you'll have to follow the CSA's Twitter account for sporadic live updates and then fill in the imaginary blanks yourself. Life as a Canadian soccer supporter, huzzah!
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