In an ideal world, every game played by our national teams would be televised live, in glorious high-definition, and every member of the viewing public would get an ice cream sundae (and get to choose the flavour).
Plus, of course, it'd be free, since most people -- for some odd reason -- think there are no costs associated with producing a live broadcast, and any attempt by a broadcaster to attempt to recoup those costs is utterly evil and exploitative. [/soapbox]
Living in the world in which we do, however, Canadian national team games are quite frequently not televised. So, we get a few live tweets and are left to fill in the blanks with our imagination. I take it a step further and fill in the blanks with nonsense, which has resulted in a nice little series of mostly fabricated synopses (here, here, here and here are some past examples).
Anyway, Canada played Finland in their Cyprus Cup opener on Wednesday morning. We won 3-0. Huzzah! Here's what happened (kind of):
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Canada's starting lineup featured Karina LeBlanc in goal; Rhian Wilkinson, Emily Zurrer, Kadeisha Buchanan and Marie-Eve Nault on defence; Kaylyn Kyle, Diana Matheson and Sophie Schmidt in midfield; and Christine Sinclair, Josee Belanger and Adriana Leon up top.
So, probably a 4-3-3. Though it could have been a 5-1-2-3 for all we know.
Not in the lineup was, of course, Lauren Sesselmann, who suffered a serious knee injury prior to the tournament. That, of course, is bad news for her and for the team, so undoubtedly anyone who cares one iota about the squad is hoping for her full and speedy recovery. (And just to be clear, this isn't part of the "fabricated" portion of this article; it's unfortunately true.)
Canada started briskly, as the Finns were pre-occupied pony trekking, camping or watching TV. To make sense of that reference, search "Monty Python Finland" on YouTube, or just see my Canada v. Finland recap from last year, when I used the same stupid joke.
This is where I'd usually make some kind of snarky reference about the host country -- maybe the lack of fans in the stands, the sickeningly wonderful weather conditions -- but given the fact that a referee's car got bombed the other day (again, this ain't part of the fabrication) perhaps this isn't the best time for it.
Dang, this is getting heavy, isn't it? These fabricated synopses are supposed to be light and airy. Let's try again.
Josee Belanger had a few early offensive chances for Canada but couldn't convert, before suddenly awaking in a cold sweat and realizing that her playing for the national team again was, in fact, all a bad dream (yes, that means the game, the stadium, and all of us were just constructs within her dream... probably the second level, the big rotating hotel... anyway, thankfully The Doctor found a way to reboot the universe, save us all and, accordingly, continue the soccer game).
Sophie Schmidt was the one to open the scoring for Canada, doing something to get the ball into the opponent's net before tripping over her own feet and spouting a malapropism in an utterly adorable way, causing thousands of CanWNT fans to simultaneously swoon and affix the hashtag #SophieMoment to their social-media descriptions of the play.
Schmidt then scored again just before halftime and, to recover from her previous blunder, paid extra close attention to maintaining her balance and walking coolly and calmly back to her position on the field. But then, one fan in the stands (so, 20% of the audience... dammit, there I go) was so shocked that he fell over and dislocated his thumb no no stop with the dark stuff light and airy! Right, OK, sorry.
Belanger picked up a yellow card in the second half, upon which she attempted to once again awake from the bad dream but, instead, fell asleep on the pitch. The Doctor arrived to make a pithy quip about how there must be some slight bugs in the rebooted universe. The broken-thumbed Cypriot asked him for medical attention, whereupon the Doctor was forced into a lengthy explanation about how he isn't a medical doctor, but that the name actually represents yada yada backstory and this boring diatribe, ironically, caused Belanger to wake back up.
Christine Sinclair finished off the scoring with her 3,495th goal for Canada, and this sentence is hilarious because she's scored a lot of goals but obviously not that many. Comedy through exaggeration of the obvious -- it's always great stuff (said every Family Guy fan).
Rachel Quon came into the game to earn her first cap for Canada, and all across the nation, every single Canadian soccer fan was unreservedly welcoming of her arrival. (You can figure out for yourself whether or not this fits into the "fabricated" part of the story.)
Anyway, game ended, Canada wins, happiness all around, fish fingers and custard for dinner, the end.
Next game is Friday against Italy. Check back then for more of this nonsense, maybe.
(Note: We seem to be having trouble with our commenting system at the moment. So if you'd like to let me know how stupid this post was, drop me a line on Twitter, or just shout your remark out the nearest window.)
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