It's another one of those days, Canada. No, not the day we celebrate Magellan's arrival in Guam, or the invention of the Oreo cookie -- although both of those did happen on March 6 -- but a day in which one of our senior national teams plays a game entirely unseen to our eyes (live, anyway).
In this case, it's the women's national team's opener of the Cyprus Cup, a tournament we've traditionally dominated (three championships in five years of the Cup's existence) and which we enter in 2013 as the highest-ranked participating nation, according to the fine folks at FIFA.
So, as I've done several times before, I'll intersperse the actual in-game information provided by the Canadian Soccer Association's Twitter feed with hogwash created specifically to amuse myself (and, potentially, you). In the case of any discrepancy between my descriptions and what's in the CSA's video highlights package, the latter shall prevail.
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
Canada trotted out a starting XI consisting of Erin McLeod in goal, Rhian Wilkinson, Carmelina Moscato, Kadeisha Buchanan and Chelsea Stewart on defence, Desiree Scott, Sophie Schmidt and Diana Matheson patrolling the midfield and Christabel Oduro, Adriana Leon and Jonelle Filigno providing the danger up front. This part is accurate.
With captain Christine Sinclair serving the final game of her "speaking-out" suspension, Schmidt got to wear the captain's armband to commemorate her 100th cap for the senior national team. We got quick evidence of how Sinclair has scored all those goals, as the armband instantly transformed Schmidt from an industrious midfielder into a foaming-at-the-mouth net-hunting fiend.
She tallied a memorable goal just two minutes into the match, then proceeded to hungrily gnaw on the goalpost before being dragged away by teammates.
The Canadians continued to dominate possession and scoring chances in the first half, with Leon sending a good opportunity just over the bar. In response, she set several nearby trees on fire with her gaze alone. So comfortable were the Canadians in the opening 45 that 17-year-old Buchanan had time to upload 32 photos of the Cypriot scenery to Instagram.
Oduro picked up the game's first yellow card halfway through the half, for hoisting a still goal-delirious Schmidt over her head and hurling her at a Swiss opponent. Though it was an obvious red-card offence, the referee merely cautioned Oduro, apparently attempting to cosmically atone for the sending-off of Nani against Real Madrid. Looking skyward, arms wide, she bellowed, "There, soccer gods! Are we cool now?"
"No!" shouted someone in attendance at the GSZ Stadium in Larnaca, Cyprus, prompting laughter from many of the other 25 people in attendance.
The game entered halftime still 1-0, whereupon head coach John Herdman and his staff immediately wrapped Schmidt in every available towel to suppress the armband shivers. Buchanan snapped a sepia-toned cellphone pic of her quivering teammate, before Leon obliterated the device with her eye lasers.
The destruction of Buchanan's phone was well-timed, as the Swiss side came out with more fight in the second half. (Insert some kind of "neutrality" joke here, I guess, or maybe something about dodgy bank accounts.) Still, thanks to their own neutrality (net neutrality? hey yeah, that could work) they were unable to convert, as the substitution parade came on in the game's final 25 minutes.
Matheson, feeling the residual effects of the occasions on which she wore the armband, decided to make Swiss cheese (lolololololo) of the opponents' defences and pot the dagger for the Canadians, with the most important goal of her career. Well, except for that Olympic one, I guess. And I suppose her winner in the final of the 2010 Cyprus Cup was significant too. OK, fine, whatever, just let her enjoy the moment, will you? Man, what a bunch of downers.
Why not be upbeat? A Sinclair-less Canada still cruised to a 2-0 victory (albeit against a side 19 spots lower than them on the FIFA rankings), and all they lost along the way were some towels and a cellphone. Also the Cyprus agricultural police want to speak to Leon.
Canada's next test is on Friday against Finland. You can watch the game on... haha, just kidding. You're totally in for more of this nonsense.
Highlights:
.