Much like the comic-book-adaptation TV show Arrow, the premise of this "mostly fabricated synopsis" is so convoluted that it requires a clumsy explanation off the top every single time. So, here goes.
Canada really did play its second game of the Cyprus Cup on Friday, against Finland. The final score really was 2-1. But as there was no way to watch the game -- the only live information coming courtesy of the CSA's Twitter feed -- there's no real way to do any kind of match report.
So, the next best (?) thing: The limited live information gets lumped in with a bunch of made-up nonsense (and then, eventually, the CSA uploads a video highlight package). Sound good? No? Well, too bad, here it is anyway.
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As expected, head coach John Herdman made some changes to his starting XI from the tournament opener against Switzerland. Lining up against Finland were goalkeeper Karina LeBlanc, defenders Rhian Wilkinson, Kadeisha Buchanan, Carmelina Moscato, Lauren Sesselmann, midfielders Kaylyn Kyle, Sophie Schmidt and Diana Matheson, and forwards Jonelle Filigno, Adriana Leon and OMG OMG SHE'S BACK OMG EVERYBODY LOOK Christine Sinclair.
While the rest of the players entered the field via the normal means (that is, walking), Sinclair descended from above, carried on a floating chariot of gold and persimmons, adorned in a technicolour dreamcoat that would make Ric Flair circa 1988 blush. While her awed teammates held Sinclair in due deference, the Finnish squad was too busy pony-trekking, camping or just watching TV.
When the match got underway, a still-jonesing Schmidt lunged at Sinclair, desperate to get just one more hit of that sweet captain's armband. It took the combined strength of the remaining Canadian players -- as well as three well-trained grizzly bears, who happened to be serving as ball boys -- to separate the two. Meanwhile, the shocked Finns managed to comically bumble the ball into the Canadian goal, for a 1-0 lead in just the fifth minute.
With Schmidt finally subdued (thanks, grizzly bears!) the Canadian team was able to assert better control of the game, earning several chances in the subsequent minutes thanks in part to the work of Sinclair. But it was ultimately Jonelle Filigno who equalized, heroically bellowing "Sun of righteousness, shine upon the west also!!!" before blasting an 85-yard drive (give or take a few yards) into the Finnish goal.
The Finns, suddenly realizing who it was they were playing against, began giddily asking Sinclair for autographs -- including one who decided to pick up a ball for her to sign. Unfortunately for her team, the ball was in play, and inside their own penalty area; so, rather than scribbling her name, Sinclair instead placed the ball on the spot and slotted home a goal in the same way we all brush our teeth -- calmly, routinely and with a fresh minty aftertaste.
The second half was a cagey affair (Schmidt literally being held behind bars on the sideline, carefully watched by her bear guards), but a few Canadian goal-line clearances were necessary. Stephanie Labbe made her long-awaited return to the WNT, while Christina "Corky" Julien earned her 50th cap for the senior national team after coming on as a sub -- I've leave it up to you to figure out whether that's her actual nickname, or merely fabricated for the sake of this post. Compelling mystery, that.
There was no insurance goal that would have really... wait for it... wait for it... finished off the opponent, but Big Red did enough to hold on for the victory and a guaranteed berth in the Cyprus Cup final (for the sixth year running), against either England or New Zealand, who play each other on Monday. The winner books their own spot in the final, the loser gets catapulted into the sun. So, plenty at stake there.
Canada finishes off group play against the Netherlands on Monday, and then looks to earn their fourth Cyprus Cup crown in the championship final on Wednesday. There won't be any live stream of the game, and yes, as you suspected, it's all a massive conspiracy.
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