Welcome to the FA Cup! Today is, of course the start* of everyone’s favourite disruption to to the English Premiership season. If you are a typical** EPL fan you may be wondering who some of these characters are that your team is playing today. “Fans” of Manchester United*** will also be confused about what this competition is all about.
Don’t worry as CSN has you covered with this comprehensive guide to the oldest knock-out competition**** in world football.
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Q – How many teams are in this thing?
A- 759
Q – Wow! That’s a lot of teams!!
A – Not sure if that’s a question, but yes, yes it is. Unlike in North America the English involve everyone in this thing. That allows plumbers from Bath the opportunity to dream about scoring an extra time winner at Old Trafford*****, or, at least, to get spanked 4-0 by Accrington Stanley.
Q – So if 759 teams are in the competition that must make it pretty wide open, right?
A – Not really. There are four teams that can possibly win it – Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs.
Q – What about Manchester City?
A – You’re new, aren’t you?
Q – And Liverpool?
A – Who?
Q – My team is playing a club I’ve never heard of- what’s up with that?
A – The English playing pyramid is vast and contains many obscure teams that are given the chance to try and earn a game against one of the big boys. So if you are playing a team like Crawley Town, Hartlepool United, Hereford United or Fulham think of it as a chance to go to Wikipedia and learn a little about the history of those insignificant****** clubs you are forced to spend 90 whole minutes watching
Q – So, do the important******* clubs care about this thing?
A – Define care.
Q – Do they want to win it?
A – More than the Carling Cup, yes.
Q – What’s the Carling Cup?
A – Nothing.
Q – Who is that guy playing right fullback for my guys today?
A – That’s a player from the “reserve” side********. He’s getting a run-out in hopes that he plays decent enough to interest Aldershot Town in a six-month loan.
Q – My game ended in a draw, but they didn’t have penalties. What’s up with that?
A – I know, eh! The players have shamed the club and as punishment will now be forced to travel to some God-forsaken matchbox of a stadium in the middle of nowhere/be forced to put up with 1,000 traveling hooligans drinking in their posh neighbourhood pubs.
Q - I’m a “fan” of Manchester United. The other team scored more goals. What happens now?
A – Don’t worry, the FA will figure it out
Q – Why is there an old guy on the TV waxing poetically about the “magic of the third round?”
A – Because Manchester City is destroying the game as we know it and we long to return to a simpler time when players were slaves to the club and paid worse than dock workers.
Q – Should I feel guilty that I’d rather be watching a Prem game?
A – Yes, you are a horrible person.
* Ok, technically they’ve been playing since the summer, but the third round is all that really matters
** Big four*********, clearly
*** United ‘till you die (since 2008)
**** It’s like a playoff, only the rest of the world does it all wrong by holding it in the middle of the season. Wankers.
***** Note: this never happens
****** As any good “fan” of Manchester United will tell you the only measure of worth for any club is its ability to win trophies.
******* Do we have to go over this again?
******** It’s where players that graduated from the youth team play until they are sold to a mid-table Championship side for £500,000
********* Note: Liverpool is still considered a big four side. I know, eh!