News today that former Columbus Crew player/coach Duncan Oughton has left the Crew to join the TFC coaching staff has caused concern for many.
After spending several years in the hinterland, many fans are concerned that Oughton may struggle to adjust to life in civilization. In an effort to assist Oughton, CSN is offering the following tips to help him fit in*.
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1 – Don’t be frightened by the tall, shiny “sticks in the ground” that you see in the downtown core. These are call “buildings” and many people “work” inside them. These people can be identified by the fact that they are wearing the same clothes occasionally seen at Christmas Eve church services. In Columbus, you’ll be accustomed to people wearing nametags at work. Although, some people do that here as well, most are in “school” (more on that next year. I want you to settle in before overwhelming you) to make money.
2 – You may see storefronts with photos of teeth on the window. These are called dentists and are common in Toronto. The people that work here will fix and clean your teeth***.
3 - Yes, you can leave your credit card at home while visiting the doctor. Although we do pay for medical care (through taxes), we believe that being sick shouldn’t make you broke*****.
4 – The (likely) white thing beside your indoor toilet is called a bathtub. You can wash in there.
5 – You may see people wearing Greek letters in Toronto. These are actual Greeks and they will probably be on The Danforth, a high-end entertainment district located in the city’s east end. In Columbus those wearing Greek letters are douchbags******* standing in their own vomit while yelling “ HOE” at passing females in what they believe to be a mating ritual.
6 – In Columbus, the above-mentioned douchbags can also be seen at college sports events, where they cheer on an over-bloated athletics program that has won several national championships in a (4-down) sport only played in the United States. In Toronto our university******** discovered insulin, saving millions of lives worldwide.
7 – Do not be alarmed if the BMO Field scoreboard does not shoot flames. Outside of Columbus this is perfectly normal.
8 – You’ll be delighted to know that in Toronto it is possible to go out for a meal that isn’t served on plastic trays*********.
9 – The see-through material on the homes is called “glass” and is found in “windows”. Windows are typically found in the same place you’d see plywood in Columbus.
10 – Unlike Columbus, Toronto has a professional ice hockey team **********
11 – Do not be frightened by the fact that you’re surrounded by “liberals.”*********** Unlike what Columbus talk radio has told you we only have one head, don’t bite, aren’t going to feed your children heroin and actually believe in the wonderful dream of personal liberty and freedom that the U.S. Founding Fathers had.
12 – Yes, they are allowed to do that in the strip clubs (please note: This is only what I’ve been told ***********)
13 - And, most shocking of all, unlike Columbus we actually like soccer here**************.
* Relax people. I’m taking the piss. It’s a game. We don’t always have to be so serious**.
** But Columbus is pretty …midwestern, so...
*** Dentists perform a needed service…but are sadistic bastards that like to dispence pain****
**** No, I don’t have any issues. Why do you ask?
***** Too Political?******
****** Just you wait
******* I’m kidding. Douchebag is far too forgiving a description for a frat boy.
******** York? Never heard of it.
********* But you can get poutine on a tray. And you should.
********** COME ON. There’s, like, one city I can make that joke with and it’s Columbus. How could I possibly resist.
*********** I told you I was going to get more political
************ I SWEAR, baby. I Swear.*************
************* Can I crash on your couch tonight?
************** And, God willing, one day we might even get a team of our own to cheer for